The Foundation
When Logan was around three or four years old, I came across a LEGO Chess set. “Awesome!” I thought. This wasn’t just a toy; it was going to be one of our great game adventures.
We didn’t just buy a chessboard. We built it together.
I watched Logan at the kitchen table. He was completely focused, which I always love to see. He carefully snapped together each piece—the chunky rooks, the knights with their horse heads, and the checkered board that opened up for storage.
“Look, Dad,” he said, pressing a black tile into place. “It fits.”
“It sure does,” I said. “You know, Logan, while you’re building this board, you’re also building a playground for your brain.”
He was involved from the very beginning. With his own hands, he brought this complex set to life. He didn’t know the rules yet, but he understood how it worked because he built it himself.
The “Undo” Button
After we finished building the pieces, the real lesson started. We played chess, not to compete, but to learn together.
I’d move one piece at a time. “This is a pawn,” I explained, “and it only moves forward one square.”
Logan moved his knight. He put it right in front of my pawn.
“Okay, let’s pause,” I said softly. “If your knight goes here, my pawn can take it.” I pointed to the squares so he could see what I meant.
His eyes widened as he grasped the cause and effect. He looked at his knight, then at my pawn. “Oh. I get eaten.”
“Exactly. But remember our House Rule?”
“Two moves and undo!” he chirped.
“That’s right. You can take it back. This isn’t about losing, Logan. It’s about learning to see what might happen before you make a move.”
He moved the knight back and looked at the board, thinking hard. He was imagining what could happen next. Then he decided to move the bishop instead.
“Better?” he asked.
“Much better,” I smiled. “That’s a safe spot.”
The “Undo” rule became his safety net. It showed him that making a mistake wasn’t failing; it was just information. It gave him a chance to say, “I don’t see the solution yet,” and try again.
The Transition
A couple of years passed. The chunky LEGO pieces were still favorites, but Logan was older now. We were sitting on the living room floor, deep in a game.
Logan reached for his Queen. He hovered it over a square. I saw the trap immediately. If he put it there, I would capture it with my Rook.
I stayed quiet. The “Undo” rule had helped him learn, but now he was practicing to master the game.
He held the piece there, his fingers tight on the plastic. Then, he froze.
I watched his eyes follow the paths on the board, just like we had practiced. He looked at my Rook, then at his Queen. Now, he was thinking through the moves in his head instead of out loud.
He pulled his hand back. He didn’t make the move.
Instead, he moved a pawn to block my Rook first.
“Whoa,” I said, genuinely impressed. “You saw it.”
Logan grinned, clearly satisfied. “I almost moved the Queen, but then I saw your castle. So I fixed it in my head first.”
“You constructed the outcome,” I said, tapping the side of his head. “Just like you constructed the board.”
He nodded, turning his attention back to the game. “Yeah. My brain saw the bad move, deleted it, and made a new one.”
I sat back and watched him plan his next move. He wasn’t afraid of mistakes anymore because he knew how to fix them before they happened. He had built a growth mindset, step by step.
We all want our children to feel confident. When they recite the alphabet perfectly at age three, or bring home an ‘A’ on a math test at age seven, our chests swell with pride. The words tumble out almost automatically:
- “Wow, you are so smart!”
- “You’re a natural at this!”
- “You’re a math whiz!”
It feels like good parenting. We think we’re building their self-esteem, right?
But decades of research show that these well-meaning compliments can actually lead to anxiety, fragility, and fear of failure. When we call kids “smart,” we might be teaching them a Fixed Mindset. If a child with a Fixed Mindset faces a challenge, they often give up instead of trying to overcome it.
If you want your child to enjoy challenges, keep going when things get tough, and reach their potential, focus on how they work, not just who they are. Teach them a Growth Mindset.
What is the Growth Mindset?
The concept is based on the work of Dr. Carol Dweck, a psychologist at Stanford University. Through her research, she identified two distinct ways people view their own abilities:
The Fixed Mindset: The belief that intelligence, talent, and character are static. You are either born smart, or you aren’t.
- The Danger: If I have to try hard, it means I’m not smart. Therefore, I should avoid challenges to protect my ego.
The Growth Mindset means believing that abilities can grow with dedication and hard work. Brains and talent are only the beginning.
- The Benefit: Failure isn’t permanent. It’s just information about what to improve.
As Dweck beautifully puts it, the growth mindset is an incredibly liberating belief:
“The hand you’re dealt is just the starting point for development.”
Key Characteristics of a Growth Mindset
People with a growth mindset usually:
- Embrace challenges → They see difficult tasks as opportunities to grow rather than threats to their self-image.
- Keep going when things are hard → They see failure as a sign they’re not successful yet, not as proof they can’t do it.
- Value effort as the way to get better → Effort isn’t a sign of weakness, but the path to improvement.
- Learn from criticism → Constructive feedback is welcomed as helpful information.
- Find inspiration in others’ success → Instead of feeling threatened, they use it as a chance to learn.
Clarification: The “Effort” Trap
Dr. Dweck has clarified her own theory over the years.
Many parents and teachers misunderstood the original research, thinking we should always praise effort, like saying, “Good job trying!” But Dweck warns that just repeating this isn’t a true growth mindset.
- It’s Not Just About Effort: If a child keeps trying the same wrong way to solve a math problem, praising their effort doesn’t help. Real growth comes from using good strategies, asking for help, and thinking about what works.
- We Are All a Mixture: No one has a perfect Growth Mindset. We all have a mix. You might believe you can learn to cook but think you’re just not a math person. Noticing when you slip into a Fixed Mindset is part of learning.
How to Cultivate a True Growth Mindset (Ages 1 to 12)
Mindsets start forming early, but you can teach them at any age. Here’s how to guide your child through this important change as they grow.
Phase 1: The Sponge Years (Ages 1 to 3)
Goal: Focusing on Process Over Person
Toddlers are always learning. They don’t think about being “smart” yet, but they notice your feedback. This is when you start building the right language.
- The Praise Pivot: When your toddler stacks blocks, don’t label them as “a good builder.” Instead, talk about what they did to succeed.
- Say this: “You kept trying until the blocks stayed up! You found a way to balance them.”
- Why it works: It points out their persistence and the strategy they used, not just natural talent.
- Narrate Your Own Mistakes: Toddlers copy everything. If you drop a plate and say, “I’m so stupid!”, they learn to feel ashamed of mistakes.
- Try this: “Oops! I burned the toast. I had the heat up too high. Next time, I will turn the dial down. That’s how we learn!”
- Comfort After Falls: When they fall, try to stay calm. Say, “It’s okay to fall. We learn by trying again.”
Phase 2: The Comparison Years (Ages 4 to 7)
Goal: Embracing the Struggle & Strategy
When children start school, they begin to compare themselves to others. They notice if someone reads or runs faster. This is when they might start thinking, “I’m not good at this.”
- The Power of “YET”: This is the single most powerful tool in your parenting toolkit. When your child says, “I can’t do this math problem,” simply add the word YET.
- The message: “You’re still learning, and you haven’t reached your goal yet.”
- Celebrate the Struggle: In a Fixed Mindset culture, people hide their struggles. Change that by making it normal to talk about challenges. If homework is too easy, apologize for it.
- Script: “I’m sorry that the worksheet was too easy. You didn’t get to learn anything new! Let’s find something harder so you can actually grow your brain.”
- Focus on Strategy, Not Just Effort: If your child is stuck, don’t just tell them to try harder.
- Script: “It looks like that way isn’t working. What is a different way we could try? Or is it time to ask for help?”
Phase 3: The Identity Years (Ages 8 to 12)
Goal: Decoupling Achievement from Self-Worth
By 4th or 5th grade, grades and sports stats start to matter. “Smart kids” often struggle at this point. If they have to study, they might feel like they’re not really smart.
- Redefine “Talent”: Show what real success looks like. If your child loves Steph Curry, let them see his tough training, not just the highlights. Remind them, “No one is born a master. Every master was once a disaster.”
- The “Did You Win?” Trap: When your child comes home from a game, try not to ask, “Did you win?” or “What did you get on the test?” These questions make it seem like only the result matters.
- Ask this instead: “What was the hardest part of the game today?” or “Did you try that move you were practicing?”
- Constructive Criticism: Tweens often take feedback personally. Help them see that their work is separate from who they are.
- The Strategy: First, acknowledge their feelings, like saying, “It’s tough to get a C.” Then, look at what happened: “Did we lose points on concepts or small mistakes? Let’s try flashcards next time.”
A Note for Parents of “Gifted” Kids
If your child is called “gifted,” be extra careful. These kids often avoid risks because they want to protect their label. They might not raise their hand unless they’re completely sure.
- The Fix: Encourage these kids to try things they’re not already good at. Sign up the math whiz for a pottery class, even if the clay falls apart. Make it normal to be a beginner. Show them that real joy comes from getting better, not just being the best.
Summary: Your Daily Script
Here are five tips to help you change your language starting today.
- From “You are so smart!” to “You worked really hard and found a great strategy!”
- This teaches kids to value process and strategy, not just natural talent.
- From “Maybe you’re just not a math person.” to “You don’t understand this yet.”
- This teaches persistence and helps kids see their potential.
- From “ That was easy for you!” to “That was too easy. Let’s find a challenge.”
- This encourages kids to seek out challenges.
- From “You got an A! Perfect!” to “What did you do to prepare for this?”
- This helps kids become more aware of their strategies.
- From “Good job trying.” to “That didn’t work, but what did you learn from the attempt?”
- This teaches kids to reflect on what they learned instead of just repeating the same thing.
Conclusion
Changing from a Fixed Mindset to a Growth Mindset takes time. It’s something you build at home, little by little. Sometimes you’ll slip and say, “Good job, you’re so clever!” That’s okay. We all have a mix of mindsets.
The goal isn’t to be a perfect parent or have a perfect child. The goal is to keep growing as a parent and help your child grow, too. When you teach them to enjoy challenges and try new strategies, you give them real-world tools. You show them that while they can’t change their genetics, they can always work on their growth.
Next Step: This week, try the “Dinner Table Challenge.” Ask everyone at the table, including adults, “What’s one mistake you made today, and what did you learn from it?” Make talking about mistakes a regular and positive part of your family life.
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